What's in a Name?

I'm curious...is my name really that hard to spell? Am I not annunciating enough? Over-annunciating? Well, I've decided to create a sidebar list of the misspellings I've seen Starbucks employees make in writing my name on my cup.

I'm ready to wallow now

Happy, happy, happy, happy, BLEUGH!!! It's time for my insecurities to come out. My doubts, fears, sadness, longing. Ignore everything for just this short moment of "everything is going to be okay, everything will be fine, it'll happen in your own time."

I went through today with no inspiration. It was such a depressing feeling that I tried hard to come out of. Looking around our gray, dim-lit, QC room and thinking "What can inspire me?" I look at the TV monitor (which I'm supposed to be watching anyway) and try to find some sort of inspiration from what I'm QCing. What was I QCing??? There were German voices coming at me from the headphones, shots of guns and mob guys chasing each other for tons of money (in the end, I think it ended being a movie within a movie). Inspiring? No. Next movie. I was listening to music and effects, and watching some horrible acting with a storyline that was perposterous (I heard the dialogue yesterday afternoon). No. No inspiration.

Nothing to look forward to today or tomorrow or this weekend. No plans. I haven't seen Andrew...sorry, I correct myself...I haven't spent time with Andrew in four days ~ and I don't even think Sunday counts since he was jet lagged, not talkative, and all we did was watch TV, he slept for hours, then we did laundry. So, I take that back. I haven't spent any REAL quality time with my boyfriend in 12 days! And why was our last conversation last night about him meeting up with his ex for lunch in a couple of days? Honestly, it's not that I don't trust him ~ I trust him completely. I just don't like his ex. Shocker? Probably not for most. My reasoning is that she was completely rude to me the first time I met her. You know the people who won't look you in the eye, won't acknowledge that you're there standing right next to their friend? Thus making you wonder why you're there; you're not a part of the conversation. That would be the situation of my first lovely encounter with her. So as a result, any thoughts, topics brought up about her makes me cringe. Ms. Rudeness.

I missed my improv class tonight. Second one I missed out of four. The class is over now. I'm disappointed in myself, but I also felt like I had no energy for the class whatsoever. It's one where you have to be on top of your game, your creativeness HAS to be flowing at all times. It wasn't in me tonight. It just wasn't in me.

My mom has brought the harsh reality of money to my face. I've been aware, but still avoiding it somehow. I've trusted that in taking the acting classes that the money will be there, it will come one way or another. And it will...and I realize that I just have to be careful about spending money on whatever else I spend money on. It's made me sad that I'm dismissing a possible great opportunity to take a workshop with Jason Alexander because I don't know if I have the money for it. And it's not that expensive compared to other classes I've taken.

Little devilish doubts of accomplishing my dream of acting, of being on Days or anything have crept in (this is despite the fact that my apt. manager, who's friends with a producer on Days, said he could probably get me on as an extra; not to mention I'll be working on the film version of "Get Smart" on Monday). And I'm trying to ward them off before they find a dwelling inside of me.

I'm off. I'm completely off today.

It makes me wonder what has brought me to this point. The tragedy of a few weeks ago? My lack of keeping on task of creative projects? Not being able to relax and spend some quality time with Andrew? Not talking to my closest friends in a while? My lack of energy to go to acting class? Perhaps a combination.

All I know is that I'm feeling blue. I'll get out if it soon. I know I will. I just need this short moment to wallow.